Veronica Revamped

Most of you (readers, curious minds, people wandering every corner of the Web) don’t know, but I had already owned a blog.

However and to be completely honest, I no longer care about it and it’s been months since I erased it (out of frustration, a little rage and maybe, desperation).

I want to rebuild. The same way I’ve been trying to start over in real life.

I’m not asking you to follow me, or even try and understand what the hell am I talking about… But if someone out there is willing to do so, I’ll secretly rejoice.

Anyways, I should just bring the real writing in to this…

I’ll see you around, I suppose.


A maior parte de vós (leitores, mentes inquisitivas, pessoas deambulando pelos recantos da Internet) não sabem, mas eu já tinha gerido um blog.

No entanto e para ser completamente honesta, não quero saber mais dele e já passaram meses desde que o suprimi (por frustração, um pouco de raiva e talvez, desespero).

Eu quero reconstruir. Da mesma forma que tenho tentado fazer na vida real.

Não estou a pedir a ninguém para me seguir, ou tentar e compreender de que raio estou a falar… Mas se alguém por aí o quiser fazer, vai secretamente alegrar-me.

De qualquer forma, eu devia mesmo era deixar a autêntica escrita aqui…

Vemo-nos por aí, suponho.

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Ceci n’est Pas Une Invitation

It’s quite simple actually…

Our existence is not an invitation.

Your assumptions are not a justification.

Your thoughts are not an explanation.

Your actions do have consequences, even if you fail to understand.

We have all had enough of the aggression, the lack of control or agency, the fatality of your conscious games and malevolence.

My body is not an invitation. I have feelings and the ability to consent.

You say you don’t comprehend the anger, the frustration, the million divergent ways to say and show that “no” is “no”.

But you do. You really do. You just can’t stand the fact that, finally, you have to answer for your crimes and sins.

But know we’ve all had enough. And none of us is going to be silent anymore.

I exist, and it doesn’t mean that therefore, I am an invitation. Learn it fast.

I am not an invitation. And if you do love women, as you claim, learn that fast.

I am not an invitation. No one is.

It’s quite simple actually. But you already know that. So start practicing it, too.

I Rest

Sleepless nights

Endless fights

With myself and my thoughts

And my past

What I can recall

And what I can’t when I thought I knew it all

Your face, your words

Your hurt,

My pain, my worth

All hurts

Dark circles in the early morning

Dizzy, dizzy feelings

And synaptic pulses

Shivers and muscle impulses

I awaken from an insomnia

That never shutters

Late night convenience store

For dreams inexperienced

I knew I dreamt of you

Split second of a drowsy longing

And I forgot you again

Again and again

I remembered you too

A clandestine kiss stolen in the Summer haze

There go the olden days

Sips of stale beer

And staler conversation

Dusty thoughts

Flowing in the night

Dawn light shines through the blinder

Nightmare reminder

It’s Monday again

And again and yet again

Stranger’s music comfort

Passion never reciprocated

Unrequited lusts

And isn’t it all a bust?

Grind, grind and grind a brain

It’s all for the main

Misunderstanding of the basic

Fundamental respect cracks

And love dies

It perishes with words

And actions and inactions

Dissatisfaction of the wild

The evening threathens

No, it terrorizes

Domesticated eyes

Refuse to shut

Slepless nights

Endless fights

Again and again

A memory resurfaced

And the rabbit hole calls again

The abyss looks back at me

And I allow my body to fall unto it

It hurts, it all hurts

City lights shine brighter from the inside

And yet I won’t come out

I am consumed by the abyss

Dizzy, dizzy feelings

Dust in the breeze

Light shines against the bedroom wall

It’s morning again

And my pillow craves my face

And my eyes shut

And my low heartbeat

I can’t remember much else

Your words, my worth

I question it all once more

And it’s as deep as my imagination

I can’t cover it all now

My face rests miserably

My temple pulsates

Hot and heavy and menacing

I need an hour

And I will be fine for the day

But twenty-or-so hours aren’t a thing

When the years come back for you

I try to forget

But memory still serves

Full course dinner

Dessert to keep you hanging

They don’t want to let you go

I breathe, I breathe

And I try to remember quiet

And it is fleeting

Floating in the wind

Butterflies in the Spring

Bees in the Summer

And the flowers grow and shine

And dance

And I’m home again

Eyelids and body draw down

Waters of a steady river

Cool breaths off my chest

I rest

I rest for the next sleepless nights.

I rest for my thoughts, my words and my worth.

I rest for love, for lust and for pain.

Dizzy feelings, memory, bees and flowers in the Summer.

Letter to Albert – January 12th, 2020

Albert, my love,

I find myself entirely shattered, as I sit and contemplate the last night we ever had together. I came back home today to find the usual hum of a common day berate my thoughts and I feel so ashamed.

I felt tempted to step out of the house and buy a bottle of the same brand of beer we always drunk together, as if it was a well-crafted bandage to hold the uncontrollable bleeding spilling out of my heart. Instead, I just picked up a bottle of Coca-Cola and a pack of chips, because I know how much soda make you wail in disgust. And as I write this, I can picture your silly, almost childish expression, which mixes dismay and disappointment so perfectly, and I can feel the judgment reaches my fingers, travelling from the graphite to my wooden hand.    

Our words aren’t always the sweetest, most ravishing, delicious melody we’ve ever heard. And that last night we shared proves it, down to the ultimate numeral. The simplest ideas we’ve ever shared end up turned into the most disgusting, invasive, tasteless cacophony of feelings and phrases and we hurt one another in this word-fencing game no one will ever truly win.  

I kept believing I would always be the one above everything somehow and I thoroughly believed it, even if my gut roared and raged against my better discernment. However, much like any other human being, I am at fault. And my sins would always fall under the cracks of your skin, poisoning you, until they seeped back into my body, when we touched.

The venom we spilled is as damaging as the substances we would submit to, sometimes. No amount of alcohol, drugs or cigarettes could hold a candle. But the thrills are as enticing. Our hearts pump in override, our tongues dry out in spite, our brains electrify in compensation for our lack of self-control and we lose our senses.

I sometimes feel we must be insane, as we invest such energy and time unto our verbal mind games and not enough in locating the source of all this loathing and misery. It’s always easier to project it all onto someone, rather than come to the gripping realization that we are at fault. I am at fault and so are you. And yet, neither of us was willing to acknowledge that simple fact.

We’re such passionate beings, dear, but as any lust-filled souls, we may often feel tempted to hold our fires against others and fatally eliminate the oxygen from their lungs. And while in our heads, it appears to be a mere instance of taking someone’s breath away and raising them up to our love, somewhere down the line, someone will pass. Someone will simply not endure. And we’ve been playing with fire for so long that we fail to comprehend our own mortality.

Please know I absolutely worshipped your passion. And I know full well how much your idolized mine. Particularly, my singular way of translating it to written word. I will miss the folly that was your mind, whenever you decided to speak it. I will miss the gaze you solely directed at me. I will miss the maddening intensity lurking beneath your seamlessly put-together persona. I will miss so much, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to quantify it.

Now, I hold a pencil as I write to you, because a pen can no longer withstand the realities I have to show you. And I feel like you may be compelled to remove this piece of writing from memory, or at least, from a readable source. As such, I invite you to erase this at your will. Erase this and erase me, too.

I know none of us is going to forget what we lived, so it’s considerably useless to ask you to do it… But erase me. Kindly erase me from your life.

Please know that I love you and I loved you like no other man.

With all of my love and regard,

Marie

Letter to Albert

Dear Albert,

I haven’t written in so long it’s almost heartbreaking. In the absurdity of our days, I sense the passion we have thoroughly neglected, rise in a breath of fury, like the sun after days of rain and frosted winds.

I crave your ideas and your seldom restrained touch, the books we promised we’d read together and the gaze we claimed we wouldn’t exchange. I crave your mad eyes and your unkempt hair, the Mountain-man madness within your silence.

I have been missing my words. And naturally, the words meant to be directed at you. They had been solemnly awaiting this moment. I have not been fair to either of us. My next Jack London has been resting on the bookshelf, much like our affections.

Tell me what has plagued your thoughts and your body. Tell me what we haven’t managed to realize yet. Tell me if your longing is as deep and as pulsating as mine.

My heart beats for your words, are you aware? And in the wilderness of my blue, arctic nights, I feel how I have been masquerading my necessities. And though the sun has awakened to ignite our love once more, I am still unable to show my true feelings.

I remember how you required my words to be precise, like a mathematical formula or equation, or else you would fade into your dark and void ennui. However, I now understand why…

I haven’t written in so long, it’s inching towards the criminal. And in our hearts, we have witnessed the murder of our desires in full horror. I keep trying to figure out what expression you bear on your face now, what does your body look like in its lonely expectation. Are we still each other’s eternal love or has it all perished upon our unique miseries?

I have not as many words as I wish I had for this instant. I maybe wish I had had the ability to have written this sooner. But my mood and my heart are as wild as the seasons that keep crossing us relentlessly. I hope you may one day get back to me and not just be another edition gathering lonely dust, untouched.  

Read my words and mark them. Remember me for what I really am. I am the split spark I light whenever I purchase a new Faulkner, London or Baldwin. I am the aimless energy I devote to Camus or Sartre. I am the degenerate chaos that Thompson and Bukowski proudly wore on their chests. I am the wit of Twain or Shakespeare, as I am Tolstoy’s lip bitten under utter despair. I am Poe’s deceased bride and dear Stevenson’s Jekyll and Hyde.

One day, we’ll get to read together and we’ll casually trade a gaze or two. Remind each other of the words we weren’t able to put down on a paper. Maybe one of our favorite authors has found the just way to write of love, or lust or whatever it is we may be feeling at the moment.

Tell me how has life been treating you, my lovely. Tell me how many sugars you’ve been adding to your coffee or how many packs of cigarettes you’ve been smoking a week.

Although I am not in the place to make any demands, I want to read your words, as I can’t hear them for the time being. It’s sunny and warm once more.

With all my love,

Marie

Bad Hombres

Idiots with big hats,
Playing as big, clumsy orange cats,
Governing their plays on democracy,
Spelling it out dumb-o-cracy.

(Philosophies foregone,
Ideals and morals told ‘Begone’.
Liberty and rights shadowing stupidities
And other sorts of inequities.)

Orange cat says ‘Bad Hombres everywhere’,
But this hombre belongs nowhere.
This hombre has a family to feed,
‘Just some dinero, por favor.’

(Economies for the wealthy,
Pilling burocracies for the misfortunate.
Healthcare and social security are fantasies
And so are housing and basic dignity.)

Quién tiene hambre,
No causa harm, hombre.
Let go of your failed prejudices!
Your mouth is hate and your hate… ‘Qué dices?’

(How are truths held as self-evident,
If evidently, they’re not for all of ourselves?
Liberty, justice, happiness or its pursuit,
Forsake it now, or follow suit.)

This ‘Bad Hombre’ tenía amor,
Pasión y orgullo traded for dolor.
Running away from pain shouldn’t become punishment,
But so it is for the establishment.

(Declarations, Constitutions and Laws
Are paper riddled with flaws.
Empty and pompous arrangements indeed,
Fulfill many Men’s Egos and Greed.)

(Quién és el Bad Hombre, al final?)

The idiot with a hat has a crowd standing,
Beside and behind him, raving.

The hombre sits alone,
Outside the restaurant, moaning:
“Dreams are not made of plata,
Pero, que bueno sería…”
And falls asleep, as tired souls eventually do.
His ceiling is the gelid night,
And the alarm clocks are the traction
Of people’s stomping feet on concrete.
Not a golden tower of self-satisfaction
And terrible loathing, incomplete
With fleshy morbidity and crassness.

Kill the egos and greeds.
Mankind needs none of such.
El hombre no es malo, solo se volve…
Or at least, that’s what some may believe.
Nature and civil,
Disobedience’s aplenty.
Kill the establishment
And its choking hand.
Let the hombre live,
He’s got a family in dire need.
Kill the idiot with the hat
Before he flees, as the orange cat.

Failed states, stalemates,
Dumb-o-cracy must come to an end.
Arise, hombre, stand above the sore loser!
(Who’s the bad hombre now?)

On (Permanent) Grief

(Immortalities that fail to materialize,

Baring unconscionable feelings

All over our overwhelmed bodies.)



Taking the time to realize

The real implications of true pain

And how they flow over generations,

Grasping misery that falls like rain,

Refusing to acknowledge their lovely elations.



Any emotions

Are spit out on drunkenly instants

Or other manipulated states of mind.

That numb is deemed acceptable

Beyond a certain time of day,

Is something you will find.



Tears of mad lack of understanding,

Words piecing together impossibilities,

Awareness plays demanding

And other charades take their rightful place.



(Mortalities birthed out onto the world,

Baring naked nothingness into our minds

And pour misfortune unto our bodies.)



You fail to place a word

To define the shadows that captivate you,

As there appears to be none.

You’ve been known to love quite a few,

Yet they all just taste dry, cold and bland.



Cry out,

And chase out

Any emotions.

Anger is not graceful,

Just you remember.

Nor is laughter,

Even if it’s a mere reflection of pained absurdity.



Tears are of mad lack of comprehension,

Made of centuries of pent-up aggravation.

And though they are ink for penned out sadness,

They are also a show for unknown strengths

That also breaks from time to time.



(Immortality is never to be granted.

We rose from dirt to be bare and feel.

Earthquakes and erosion crackling our skin,

Frost and rain to open up our wounded epidermis,

And above our eyes, stars and auroras for wonder.)

Le Brouillard Devant la Lumière

Walking away from the university campus and on the way to the metro station, as anxiety attempts to punch through my chest and I won’t allow it, I look out into the immense quad pointing out to the avenue. I watch the fog struggle to reach a street lamp’s light, only separated by a sort of dark black void – an apparent benign barrier keeping the chill away. 

The fog floats above the streets and over the lines of trees and among the buildings and street lights. It looks wonderful. But to my perception that gorgeous moment only lasts for fleeting seconds, as I rush to catch the train. 

A million things race through the routes of my consciousness: “Did I do well on these tests?”, “Am I worthy?”, “Is an established education what I need to make it?”, “Am I just another sore puppet?”, “What am I going to have for dinner?”, “Is my grief going to strike me soon?”, “Am I going to survive this mad pandemic?”, “Are my friends missing the moments we lived as much as I am?”, “Am I worthy of love?”, “Is my family faring well or just scraping through?”, “How the fuck am I going make it in this world, if I keep sabotaging myself and if my thoughts keep constricting my stomach to the point I can’t even bear sustenance to keep alive?”…

I feel grief, but I haven’t been able to process it well, yet. It’s a grief that I’ve felt ever since I moved to the city, but it’s also a grief that I’ve felt ever since I developed some kind of consciousness. It’s a grief that I can’t identify and it’s a grief that is also justified. 

People are missing from my life and I don’t know how to handle that. People I thought I would never miss again or ever, are crushing my neurons and my veins, with their overbearing need for my grief.

I grieve vampires. I grieve the actual dead. I grieve creatures of the night and I grieve hot-blooded animals of the day.

On normal days, I can’t catch a break to even consider these things.  And that’s both a blessing and a curse. Feelings always return to your heart and your thoughts, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

But there’s this beautiful fog forming around me, trying to embrace me. Is it going to carry me into the night? Or is it just going to freeze me up to my bones and leave me to gasp for air?

I carry myself to the entrance of the train station, mindful of any cars coming up on the street. My thoughts race again, as if to mimic the vehicles. Oh, the torturing irony!

I try to concentrate on nature’s own signs, and remember that exquisite phenomenon of light and fog, the energy and the elements manifesting themselves.  My thoughts are just thoughts. They’re not like that light and that fog, though they do appear as combative.

The grief I feel may vanish one day, but I am prepared for it to stay with me indefinitely. The people I miss or used to miss may have a place within me forever, as well. I am not sure. Time and memory are tricky.

But as the fog inches closer to the ground, I can see myself taking it all in. Steadily. Grounding myself with the help of all around. I take it all in. I breathe out and I keep moving.

The creatures of the night and the hot-blooded animals of the day will always be lurking or hanging over my head and my body, but I let them be. One day, they will be mist.

City Stories (and How The Fuck Did We Get Here?)

Première Partie

In yet another night of life in the city, Vincenzo accepted Freddie’s request to accompany her and her friends on an outing to celebrate her birthday. He was not in the greatest mood, and that humor indicator could either lead to a descent into utter madness or absolute misery. The one single issue that prevented Vin from possibly making a more discernible decision, was the fact that he was a people-pleaser for most of his hours. Therefore, saying no was extremely out of character.

Vincenzo took the metro, anxiety gripping his guts to disgusting levels, and he held on to himself. All the other people surrounding him in that God-forsaken hole in the Earth seemed more content. (Or was it contempt?)

The train stopped at the intended spot where Vincenzo was supposed to leave at, and the turmoil inside and around wasn’t intent on ceasing. The people moved out of the car and Vincenzo hesitated. He looked around tentatively and hopped out onto the platform.

Coming out of the metro station was an odyssey. The Baixa-Chiado station is perhaps the most accurate representation of all of the seven levels of Hell in the city. (If you’re dramatic enough, you’ll see it.)

Vincenzo took the last step upon the stairwell leading to the street. The air swooped him in and seduced him into carrying on. In several breaths of courage, he made his way to wish Freddie a happy birthday and maybe, forget about his stupid mental shit for once.

Freddie gave him a big crushing hug and introduced all her friends and her boyfriend. And then, as praxis demands, she led Vincenzo to the bar to grab some pints of lager beer. The bar was the size of a hideaway closet and anxiety squeezed Vincenzo’s heart once more. But then Freddie handed him a beer and all the discouragement seemed to have flown away. A placebo that had been given away so many times – all across the ages, successful and unsuccessful – a sedation that never fails to reduce a man to states he never truly understood.

Vincenzo walked outside along with Freddie and after a lovely, fitting toast to his friend, he took a sip. The freshness took him back to Summer times. The bitterness took him back to a lonely embrace from a lover. And the night was simply on its inception.

(Can you take what might be coming up next? Stay tuned.)

(Don’t) Look Back in Anger

The early morning brought your face back to me, for an instant that would enrage old sores. Ancient aches that seem untamed. Feelings of misery and a numbing soul manifesting.

I woke up in anger, as I hadn’t in a while. I feared for the happiness within me. I blamed myself but for less than five minutes, this time. I no longer remember the color of your eyes. Though I still remember their blatant clearness, unaware of the rocky delusions inside.

Madness surges and takes in numerous forms, some of which I am completely unfamiliar with. I rested my head on my pillow and breathed out. It was just strange pictures that dared to be painted in my head.

I looked around the bedroom in an attempt to get grounded. It all seemed like a surreal occurrence. The sun shone coyly through the cracks in the blinders. The curtains were drawn back. The bed was under my body. I was breathing.

I remembered the moments where my feelings for you weren’t as dark and twisted. Oh, to long for innocence!
I remembered how I wished for you to draw lines on my figure with your hands, longing.
I remembered how we started tracing a path with words, uncorrupted poetry and glasses of lager beer.
I remembered how I wished for your eyes to meet mine and your lips to smile parallel to me.

Now, all I know is the anger I wasn’t able to cast out back then. And that’s what I have to process in the five minutes that I allow for self-blaming.

(I don’t care about the color of your eyes, which I wouldn’t even consider for a second again. I don’t care about the sweet things I thought you provoked within my soul. I don’t care about our delusions, my delusions, your delusions.)

I look at the blocked window and I let the madness out. I am angry and rightfully so. I never got the time to let it go. But now I do. I let it go and I let you go.
I say “Good riddance” to the character you once represented in our own mythology. This hubris shall hurt me no more!

Octobre Rouge

I could feel the Fall take over the city. Chillier October days were premonitions of revolutions: of leaves, of rainy days, of cloudy skies and resolutions.

The insanity levels were threatening to spike. Isolation gaps widening. Teeth grinding and sweat slipping between contorted bodies, a transitional period that always brings an unusual level of pain and a solace from continuity.

The wind blows more confidently, among kids and families and individuals. A raindrop falls on an unsuspecting stranger. A bird flies away, looking for refuge. Leaves circulate on the floor with electric plastic bags and sullen newspapers.

October brought in the anticipation for a freeze. But time does not rest frozen. It requires the courage to carry on, to fight, to sharpen teeth and wit, and to put in physical effort that will later translate.

Cloudy, savory gray skies fill up the entire palette.
Resolute minds will have to take their sweet time this year. Forgiveness has not been awarded yet. They must only take the energy to push on.

Sweat drips down from a concerned brow. Eyes close down for a split second. A steady breath is released upon the world. And the wind sweeps the streets, once more.